||[Jan. 21st, 2013|01:20 am]
The following message is brought to you by insomnia, and not by any tragic events in my life. |
I'll bring y'all up to speed.
I made rank, IT2 (or E-5 to the layperson). Still can't move out of the barracks. (>.<) Niece and Nephew moved away. Pretty much been focused on myself the past.. year? My career has skyrocketed with all the training, the schooling and college. So, I figured I would set down some New Years Resolutions.
For the record, I detest Resolutions, mostly because most people cannot keep them to save their lives.
I made 3.
1. To permanently, and work toward, quitting smoking.
2. Stop saying "sorry", and use it when it's only meant.
3. Be more fair and honest to myself. Don't hold back, and say what you need to say. Remove "what-ifs" and replace them with certainty, regardless of the consequences.
So far, so good. Number 3 is a huge step for me, because I've always held back based on what effect it would have on anyone else but me. That being said, I didn't wait long to enact number 3. This is the story of it, abridged.
So, there a chica named S (to protect the innocent) of whom I have been best friends (Navy) with for the past 3 years. We were at our last station together, hung out of the time. When I finally sat down and just had time to myself, I've realized that I have had feelings for this girl for the LONGEST of time. It was more of a epiphany, than anything. Never had thought that much about due to 2 big factors.
1. She never dates people she works with.
2. She's a good.. 10 years younger than I. (I'm 31, btw)
Fast forward to about a month and a half ago. After a 8 month hiatus, she got stationed back here, near me. No longer working together. Blah blah. That's when the epiphany hit me, and boy did it smack me. I've developed, or evolved, the capabilities of hiding it. Apparently, I have been doing it for the past.. 3 years. Anywho, New Years. Me, her and my sister went out for New Years to a club (>.<). I asked my sister to try to get a bead on which way she was leaning with me, to which her response was, "I have no clue" (which is rare). I had it in my mindset that I was going to spill the beans. I can't live with "what-if"s anymore, and certainly not this one. I dropped my sister off, and proceeded to spill the beans, reassuring her that it will be business as usual between us, and that I wasn't going to change how I acted toward her, to which the only response I got was..
"I'm sorry, but I don't see you that way"
Yeah, it hurt. A lot. I kept it in until I dropped her off. Then a few tears came. This was the first time that I had risked a friendship in pursuit of something else.
I didn't hear from her the day after, and paranoia kicked in...
"Had I fucked up? What did I do? You should have kept it to yourself, ass"
...and I was pretty close to breaking my first resolution.
The only possibly assurance that I could give was that it was out there now, she knows, and I took a step in the right direction. Day after that, she calls, and we hang out as if nothing happened. Either, she can't remember it (she was a wee tipsy), or she chooses not to deal with it. That's been 3 weeks from now, and every day we pretty much hang out.
If I had a deadly sin, it would be Envy. She's been really good about it, but she sometimes receives texts and I can't help but get that feeling in my stomach. I know she wouldn't do it to invoke jealousy in anyway, but I have been gifted/cursed with a strong gut reaction in life's decisions, almost to the point of nausea. It's bad at time, and I fear that ability to hide/mask this is fading.
It's scary how close we are with each other's life decisions. From apartment hunting with her (she needed advice), to loans, and cars and shopping, I just notice little things in her speech and in her actions.
What if she was lying that night, just to ease her mind?
Lately, it's been becoming too much to handle for me, and every time I see her, it's.. becoming exponentially more difficult to lock it up. I feel as if there a small rift.. something that is causing a slow drift between us. I fear bringing it back up, because I can't imagine it being any easier and I'm not going to force some glorious declarations of any feelings from here. So I can only imagine this..
What is my ultimate goal of telling her again?
It's not to make her feel bad, by any stretch. It's not for something to start up. It's honestly, just to get it off my chest. Obviously, I still hurt. It'll take some time, and I know that I can't start up any new relationship, until I know.
Regardless of the above story though, I have great feeling for 2013, and hey.. it's still pretty young. We'll see.
All comments are appreciated. I swear.
P.S. Friendzones suck, and not the one where a person sits idly by and waits. The one where there was a confession, and an actual effort made to break out of it.