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Obligatory Diatrod [Jan. 21st, 2013|01:20 am]
ferus_lupus
The following message is brought to you by insomnia, and not by any tragic events in my life.

I'll bring y'all up to speed.

I made rank, IT2 (or E-5 to the layperson). Still can't move out of the barracks. (>.<) Niece and Nephew moved away. Pretty much been focused on myself the past.. year? My career has skyrocketed with all the training, the schooling and college. So, I figured I would set down some New Years Resolutions.

For the record, I detest Resolutions, mostly because most people cannot keep them to save their lives.

I made 3.
1. To permanently, and work toward, quitting smoking.
2. Stop saying "sorry", and use it when it's only meant.
3. Be more fair and honest to myself. Don't hold back, and say what you need to say. Remove "what-ifs" and replace them with certainty, regardless of the consequences.

So far, so good. Number 3 is a huge step for me, because I've always held back based on what effect it would have on anyone else but me. That being said, I didn't wait long to enact number 3. This is the story of it, abridged.

So, there a chica named S (to protect the innocent) of whom I have been best friends (Navy) with for the past 3 years. We were at our last station together, hung out of the time. When I finally sat down and just had time to myself, I've realized that I have had feelings for this girl for the LONGEST of time. It was more of a epiphany, than anything. Never had thought that much about due to 2 big factors.

1. She never dates people she works with.
2. She's a good.. 10 years younger than I. (I'm 31, btw)

Fast forward to about a month and a half ago. After a 8 month hiatus, she got stationed back here, near me. No longer working together. Blah blah. That's when the epiphany hit me, and boy did it smack me. I've developed, or evolved, the capabilities of hiding it. Apparently, I have been doing it for the past.. 3 years. Anywho, New Years. Me, her and my sister went out for New Years to a club (>.<). I asked my sister to try to get a bead on which way she was leaning with me, to which her response was, "I have no clue" (which is rare). I had it in my mindset that I was going to spill the beans. I can't live with "what-if"s anymore, and certainly not this one. I dropped my sister off, and proceeded to spill the beans, reassuring her that it will be business as usual between us, and that I wasn't going to change how I acted toward her, to which the only response I got was..

"I'm sorry, but I don't see you that way"

Damn.

Yeah, it hurt. A lot. I kept it in until I dropped her off. Then a few tears came. This was the first time that I had risked a friendship in pursuit of something else.

I didn't hear from her the day after, and paranoia kicked in...

"Had I fucked up? What did I do? You should have kept it to yourself, ass"

...and I was pretty close to breaking my first resolution.

The only possibly assurance that I could give was that it was out there now, she knows, and I took a step in the right direction. Day after that, she calls, and we hang out as if nothing happened. Either, she can't remember it (she was a wee tipsy), or she chooses not to deal with it. That's been 3 weeks from now, and every day we pretty much hang out.

If I had a deadly sin, it would be Envy. She's been really good about it, but she sometimes receives texts and I can't help but get that feeling in my stomach. I know she wouldn't do it to invoke jealousy in anyway, but I have been gifted/cursed with a strong gut reaction in life's decisions, almost to the point of nausea. It's bad at time, and I fear that ability to hide/mask this is fading.

It's scary how close we are with each other's life decisions. From apartment hunting with her (she needed advice), to loans, and cars and shopping, I just notice little things in her speech and in her actions.

What if she was lying that night, just to ease her mind?

Lately, it's been becoming too much to handle for me, and every time I see her, it's.. becoming exponentially more difficult to lock it up. I feel as if there a small rift.. something that is causing a slow drift between us. I fear bringing it back up, because I can't imagine it being any easier and I'm not going to force some glorious declarations of any feelings from here. So I can only imagine this..

What is my ultimate goal of telling her again?

It's not to make her feel bad, by any stretch. It's not for something to start up. It's honestly, just to get it off my chest. Obviously, I still hurt. It'll take some time, and I know that I can't start up any new relationship, until I know.

Regardless of the above story though, I have great feeling for 2013, and hey.. it's still pretty young. We'll see.

All comments are appreciated. I swear.

-Monkey

P.S. Friendzones suck, and not the one where a person sits idly by and waits. The one where there was a confession, and an actual effort made to break out of it.
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Voice Post [May. 17th, 2008|07:26 pm]
ferus_lupus
VoicePost
106K 0:33
(no transcription available)
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Voice Post [May. 3rd, 2008|06:41 pm]
ferus_lupus
VoicePost
279K 1:26
“Hey Swirl(?) I'm still alive people, it's just that I haven't had access to a pc ever since I moved just due to certain circumstances I wasn't able to take the pc with me and with no pc means no internet and with no internet means no updating LiveJournal don't sound too disappointed. Anyways yeah like I said just moved in to a new place the mates cool it something I realized you know that whole living on the young bed it's just I'm used mac and cheese and rumin(?) rolls every night now and maybe be able to make 12 15 bucks straight for 2 weeks it's possible I've done it also means that I'd given up smoking as well so I guess in a good way has it worked anyways we extended this out there you know you can feel free to call or text me if you wanna know what my number is go to my my space it's on there look for Carl I'm still a little unsure about people on here so I hope to hear from you all don't leave any messages to this cause again I won't be able to check oh you can I can still check won't be able to reply anyways I'll talk to you later.”

Auto-Transcribed Voice Post - spoken through SpinVox
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R.I.P. [Feb. 11th, 2008|11:23 pm]
ferus_lupus
[I'm feeling |crushedcrushed]

Today, at 6:30 pm on February 11 2008, we lost a family member. His name was Korri Scott Katt. Yes, he was a cat and pet for us. He was my brother's cat for 12 years old and had lived a long, joyous and healthy life. I'm not going to go into details, but he went peacefully and around family.

Those that known Korri know that he was a lovable cat that until 2 years ago, was just as healthy as could be. He started losing weight and was diagnosed with blood parasites. He had a transfusion, but he lost ALOT of weight and never fully recovered. He was the only cat that I would spend 600 dollars on to get better.

If anyone out there thinks for one second that I shouldn't get teared up over "just a pet" can right now go to hell for all I care. I fail to see how anyone can say that animals do not have souls, but this cat did and I know right now that he is up in heaven, playing with a ball of yarn with my cats, TJ and Tazz whom I miss daily. You can see it in his eyes each and everyday you looked at him.

He was the last remnants of a life that was hanging by a thread, he was the last thing that we had that related us with the life before the divorce, when we were a family. In statement, I guess this is a closure, the finale to a life that has long past me by.

I'm thankful that I was around when he went though, cause I couldn't stand the thought of him dying alone, and I'm thankful for him to have been in my life for so long. Couldn't ask for a better, more loving pet. I miss you, Josh misses you, Michelle misses you, my mother misses you, and hell, even my father misses you and that means something. You were a loved cat, and you will be miss each and everyday and I know I will see you in heaven. Take care buddy.

I miss you and I love you Korri.
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A Fresh Start [Jan. 1st, 2008|12:29 am]
ferus_lupus
[I'm feeling |accomplishedaccomplished]
[I'm listening to |Photograph - Nickelback]

A year has come, and a year has gone. Friendships have been made, and bonds have been sundered. Vows have been forged and promises have broken. That was 2007, but now a new year has come across the horizon and that means a new beginning for all.

Alot has happened this past year, some good some bad but one thing was ultimately decided, I'm still here in 2008. I have lost friends, and made some new ones whom I am thankful for each and everyday. I have experienced the ups and the downs of friendship, but everything turned out how it needed to. All the events that have transpired have wove the fabric of my life and are forever stitched into the quilt that is my life.

I hope to start 2008 on an up note, and I will. All grudges, all grievence are out the window. All the sadness will be left to last year, behind me. Things will be different, I will be different. Things will change in my life, and I will only surround myself with the positive energies of people that care about me and my well being... even if it seems like it's only 1 or 2 people. I have entered 2008 with a new look, new hair and a new attitude. I have a feeling that this year will be alot better for me. ^^

I wish you all the best of luck in 2008. 


May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
The sun shine warm upon your face
The rains fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand. 

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Letters to home [Dec. 2nd, 2007|11:49 pm]
ferus_lupus
[I'm listening to |Linkin Park - Bleed it Out.]

"Dear Mom,
How are things back home? I've been over here for about 1 month now, and there hasn't been anything going on. The troops are restless though, the word is that we will be heading into enemy territory within the week. I'm nervous mom, I guess that happens when faced with your own mortality. Please don't cry for me mom, I need all the support I can get. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner though. I was afraid you would cry, and you did. I did too. I knew sooner, and I knew I wasn't going to be able to tell you. I know, hell of a Christmas gift isn't it? This is what i signed up to to do, and the possibility was always there that I would be called to war. It's not something that I was looking foward to, but it's something that I had to prepare for a long time.
How are Bryson and Kelsey? I miss them like crazy over here even though it's been only 2 months. Give them a hug and kiss for them next time you see them. Tell them that thier Uncle Josh will be home soon. I really miss them though, and it seems like only yesterday when I saw Bryson in Stephen's arms, and when Mike called me about Kelsey. Now, it's all I think about here. I have to keep the spirits high, to keep my mind out of where I am.
I would give anything right now just to sit at home right now with Tara, watching Bryson and Kelsey walking with you guys. Sitting at Aunt Bonnie and Helen's house, eating lunch with all of you guys. Perched underneath the car port with Stephen, Mark and Mike just shooting the breeze while sipping on a few beers. It's amazing what you have until it's taken away from you. It won't be long though, I have this feeling, hopefully the war will be won tomorrow and I can be sent home to all of you.
Though, it goes without saying, I'm scared mom. I really am. I just want to see of all you one more time, I don't want to die alone. I'm not going to though, but know that if I do.. I love you all very very much. I must be going, I hear officers barking orders. I think it's time to go. I love you all, and I miss you all very very much. Please pray for me, keep the support coming, and sooner than you know it, I'll be home.

Your loving son,
Corp Joshua Bryan Froment"

This is the letter from my brother that I keep hearing in my dreams, only it's spoken by my mother. I can see the battlefield superimposed over my mother reading this letter in tears. I see the smoke, the warzone that is there, I hear mortor shells.. I see bodies. My brother is huddled up behind a wall. It keeps haunting me, and I can't get it out of my head. I needed to write it out to show the world how this war affects those with loved ones over there.
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(no subject) [Dec. 25th, 2006|11:18 pm]
ferus_lupus
I need numbers!

I know have a cell phone, but I do not have any numbers. Do not think that you are exempt. I have lost ALL numbers... all numbers. Leave a message with your number, and I'll add it to mine. Don't worry, comments are screened for your protection. So, leave away.
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Confessions [Apr. 22nd, 2006|10:12 am]
ferus_lupus
[Current Location |Home]
[I'm feeling |hopefulhopeful]
[I'm listening to |Seether ft Amy Lee - Broken]

I know that I haven't updated in a long ass time, and save for about 2 of you, you know nothing of my life at this point. I blame myself mostly, as I haven't been keeping you updated. It actually has been a hectic, but rewarding past couple of weeks.

I guess the biggest news that I need to share is this. I'm a MEPs trip and a few signed dotted lines away from joining the USAF. I know that I have been down that road before and y'all have heard me talk about it. Those times were just farces and I never really did anything with it. This time I took the ASVAB (95 GT score for those who want to know), signed a WHOLE lot of paperwork, consolidated my debts so I can pay them off when I get the signing bonus and a whole lot more stuff. Granted, I'm excited deep down in the pit of my stomach, but I can't shake this feeling of helplessness. It's a BIG step for someone to take to go Active Duty for 6 years. Living in dorms, on my own for the first time since the apartment and we all know how that turned out. I know everything will be fine. I'll miss ya guys for the first 7 weeks that I am at BMT. At Tech School though, I should have my computer up and running, or at least something of the sorts. I'll have someone post my Mailing Address up here just in case you guys want to write to me when I'm down at BMT. For all I know, it could be another 2-3 months before I am shipped out due to the fact that I'm more than likely going to have to wait for my job to be open. For those that want to know, I'm thinking about Air Traffic Control, Airborne Cryptology, Computer Programming (Software), Computer Programming (Hardware) or something along those lines. Everything is available to me because of my score and I actually want to apply it.

Secondly, and most importantly to me, my father was back in town for 3 days. He is back stateside for about 10 days, and goes back over to Iraq till September. It was great to see him back for the first time in 10 months. That wasn't the best part. The best part though was him seeing his grandson for the first time ever. He fell in love with that kid as everyone does, but for him it was different. Bryson took a liking to him right away which is something that he can't say for everyone. It was just a beautiful sight watching them walk side by side with Bryson holding his hand and walking with him. Even if everything didn't go as plan, it was great to see them together and my father was genuinely upset that he had to leave B, as I know I'm going to be.

Everything else that has happened is minute is comparison to these 2 events. Again, my apologies for keeping people out of the loop, I just wanted to get everything in line and in order before I let everyone know. I have made a reputation of sometimes making empty promises and I didn't want to do it here. That's all I think. Take care

Monkey. Out.
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(no subject) [Mar. 26th, 2006|09:17 am]
ferus_lupus
I'm still alive.
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(no subject) [Oct. 6th, 2005|10:32 pm]
ferus_lupus
[I'm feeling |Proud]
[I'm listening to |Toby Keith - American Soldier]

Anyone that knows me knows the relationship that I share with my father. We don't alway see eye to eye on alot of things, but I respect the hell out of him. Let me give you a little history about him.

His name if Francis Froment, others know his as Sgt. Major Froment. See, he's been in the Army 29 years this December. 15 years active, 14 years in the Reserves. Several things I didn't know about him was this. He gave up so much when I was born though. He gave up one of his life dreams for me.. to go overseas to serve his country.

He's a simple man though, with simple goals.

His 3 Goals in Life

1. To get into the military.
2. To serve his country during a time of warfare.
3. To raise a family

That's it. There is nothing more or less to it. He gave up serving his country for me. Now, of course the obligations of father hood do that to you, but he didn't have to do it. He did though, and I don't know what it would be like to give up a life's dream, but he did. Well, 22 years later, he got his wish and he is now over in Iraq serving his country. I know alot of your opinions of Bush and this war, and all I have to say is fuck you.. no offense. To be honest, I have never been more proud of my father than I am now. Now, while that may not compensate for the loss' that we have suffered, he's living out his dream. In the shortest tense of the word, he is my hero because of what he has done for my siblings and I, and the fact that he would do it again in a heartbeat.

I respect the hell out of anyone that is over there, and I support our troops more than anyone else knows. That does include you Wayne and your ass better come back safe.

The ManCollapse )
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